


Roxy Lalonde: Your Guide to Safe Gay Sex

by Vrunka



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:22:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vrunka/pseuds/Vrunka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's time for Dirk and Jake's relationship to take the next big leap and Roxy Lalonde knows just how to prepare them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roxy Lalonde: Your Guide to Safe Gay Sex

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fanfiction PSA.

“So,” Roxy asks, stretching, arms above her head, legs draped over Dirk’s, “have you guys done it yet?”

Dirk knows what she means. ‘It’. Sex. Fucking. The horizontal mambo. Since he and Jake went official, Roxy pesters Dirk about their relationship every time she sees him. Her girly fascination with his sex life would be creepy if she weren’t so damn sincere. If she weren’t his best friend. He balances a hand on her knee, taps out a nonsense beat with his fingertips.

“You know we haven’t, Rox.” Dirk says, adjusting his shades with his free hand, glad for once that he isn’t wearing AR. He can only imagine the running commentary he’d be getting. “It’s not like I wouldn’t tell you as soon as it happened.”

“Mm. I guess.” she hums, agreeable enough. But something is different this time. Her lips are pursed and her eyes are narrowed, her thinking face. Planning. “But you’re going to, right? Eventually or whatever. When he. When you guys get over yourselves enough to get down to it?”

Dirk doesn’t blush, his tapping increases. “Yeah. Yes. Jesus. I would assume that the goal of this relationship is to, at one point, get naked and partake in wonderful, nasty, fangirl-worthy activities. Okay? Is that a good enough answer?”

Roxy sits up, suddenly, without moving her legs from Dirk’s lap. She is smiling. This cannot be a good sign. “Perfect!” She says, practically yelling. Roxy, even sober, is loud as shit. Excitable and young. Dirk doesn’t envy it, but he loves her for it. How free she is with all of it. “Well, then it’s good I came prepared this time.”

“Prepared?” Dirk echoes. Wary.

But Roxy isn’t really listening, is shuffling through her ridiculous sylladex, letting out a triumphant crow once she’s pulled out her Cosbytop. “Well, duh,” she says finally, “to grant you all the knowledge you need for your first foray into the territory of Jake lovin’s.” She blinks and smiles, her chipmunk cheeks dimpling. “I’ve elected myself as your guide to safe gay sex. Believe me, I totally gots this, Dirky!”

Somehow, Dirk manages not to lose it. Manages to keep his expression mostly neutral. “What?”

“I said: I’ve elected myself as your--,”

“I heard you the first time. That isn’t.” He’s floundering, losing his cool quickly, buckling under embarrassment. But Striders don’t buckle and Striders don’t bend. “Why?”

“Because it’s dangerous fucking territory,” Roxy says, wiping the back of her hand across her nose. Her expression set and serious. “Pun not intended. Do you have any idea what you could do to yourself if you mess that shit up? I’m talking like. Massive amounts of pain here, Dirk. Hemorrhoids for weeks. And the clap. And like, if he doesn’t finger you enough you could--,”

“Please,” Dirk says, breaking, covering his ears, “spare the details okay? I know how this stuff works. I’ve watched porn before, Roxy.”

“Porn.” she says, narrowing her eyes again. Not hiding her disdain in the least. “Porn is lame. And untrue. Those guys are like,” she pauses, considers, “like penis Pinocchio. Don’t fucking laugh, I’m not kidding. All the lies are why their dicks are so big.”

Dirk doesn’t question how or why Roxy, of all people, knows about the rather large proportions of porn stars. “So what are you suggesting?” He asks instead, interested despite himself.

Roxy grins, turns the computer toward him. “Easy. Take advice from guides who know what they’re talking about,” she says. Dirk doesn’t catch the name of the website she’s pulled up, but he sees the banners of drawn anime-inspired half-naked man-children. Dangerously androgynous nymphs.

“What the hell is this?” Dirk asks, façade dropping in the face of his utter confusion and horror.

Roxy blinks, like it’s the simplest thing in the world and answers, nice and slow. “It’s fanfiction, Dirky, all about my mom’s books,” she says, twirling her curl. “Trust me, I’ve read most of it. These people are absolute experts. Scout’s honor.” And Dirk doesn’t bother pointing out that scouts weren’t even a thing where they come from, instead he just takes the computer and clicks one of the links.

And his tutelage begins.

***  
Two days later, he puts those lessons to practice. Jake hems and haws about it at first, pink and flush from making out, but then Dirk sort of grinds down where he can feel Jake’s cock pressing against his leg and Jake goes stiff and agrees with a rapid-fire nod and an “alright, yes, you do have a point there, chap, absolutely no time to waste”.

And it’s awful.

Roxy’s fanfictions had made several things clear: sex could be had anywhere comfortably (so long as you cuddled afterward), the prostate was not very deep in the ass and could always be found after a few finger prods or thrusts, lube was optional. All of the stories had been very, very clear on this.

But now Jake is pushing in, holding Dirk’s hip with one hand and supporting himself with the other and it fucking hurts and the grass of LOMAX is itchy under Dirk’s sweaty back and fingers hadn’t felt that great but holy shit it feels like Jake is cutting him in half. Splitting him right up the middle. Inch by agonizing inch. And who in their right mind would ever fucking do this for fun because right now, in this moment, nothing is fun and Striders don’t go in for dramatics but Dirk is eighty percent positive he’s going to die right now and then. Jake. Just.

Stops.

And Dirk takes that moment to unclench his teeth and breathe through his mouth into the night air. Great gasping, seething breaths. He unclenches his hands too, almost feels bad at the way Jake hisses, there’s going to be scratches down his back for a week, at least. The half-moons of Dirk’s bitten nails are pressed into his skin.

“You okay, Dirk?” Jake asks, sounding strained. His cock twitches. Dirk feels it inside of him, an odd intimate feeling, unnatural. He wishes they had thought of condoms, though condoms had never seemed terribly important in the fanfictions.

“I’m.” Dirk answers. There is nothing beyond that. He’s tangled up in a million things. Speechless for the first time he can ever remember in his life. “I’m going to fucking kill Roxy.”

Jake pulls his head back and makes a face, pinched and impatient. “What?” He asks, clearly oblivious. Dirk rolls his eyes and his head.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s just do this thing.”

Dirk wonders if he’ll regret those words, but he remembers how in some of the stories they had cut straight to the chase and while it may have been uncomfortable at first, it always got better after a thrust or two. Prostates had dick homing beacons. Surely Jake wouldn’t miss them. He’d understand instinctively how to move, how to make sure he’d brushed along that bundle of nerves with every stroke. Dirk winces as Jake begins to move haltingly, not just from the pain but from the train of his thoughts. ‘Bundle of nerves’? Fuck, he’s even begun to think like those shitty fanfictions.

Jake pushes in the second time faster than the first and Dirk digs his fingers into the grass, into the mud, knuckles white, joints locked. He can’t relax, in porn they always looked so relaxed, like having things shoved up their ass was their job and oh yeah, it was but like couldn’t they be a little more fucking realistic because fuck there’s no way anyone could relax like this and even in the fanfictions there had been moments where the guy getting drilled would just man up and relax into the cock breaking him in two and for fuck’s sake Dirk just fucking can’t.

He’s about to tell this to Jake, to tell him they may as well just give up this experiment for now because it’s clearly a failure but just as he opens his mouth Jake shudders. Shudders and utters Dirk’s name in a broken little whisper. And Dirk can’t believe it but he can feel Jake release, feel the spasms in Jake’s dick and the uncomfortable heat and stickiness of his come and holy shit this is not hot. Dirk isn’t sure this could ever be hot. He swallows as Jake sits up, allows his hands to release their deathgrip on the grass. Dirk isn’t hard anymore. Dirk hasn’t been hard since Jake pushed his first finger in.

“I’m really sorry,” Jake is saying, blushing again. “I didn’t think I’d. I mean I didn’t intend to.” But Dirk doesn’t really care about the words. Isn’t really listening. He’s still lying on his back, staring at the dark sky of LOMAX. Jake is just a shape in his peripheral. He swipes a hand across his cheek and is almost surprised to see that there is dirt caked under his fingernails, covering his fingertips. He wipes them off on his thigh.

“We did something wrong,” he says, rolling his head to look up at Jake.

Jake looks hurt. “You mean--I mean. O-of course, this was probably a mistake. I only--,”

“I meant during the sex. Not the sex,” Dirk clarifies. He wants to sit up, to have this conversation face to face, eye to eye, but he’s a little afraid to move. He can already feel the steady pulse of pain from the region of his waist and ass. He can only imagine it getting worse with movement. “I think we missed something.”

“You didn’t seem to be enjoying it very much,” Jake agrees. He scoots closer and gathers Dirk up, lets Dirk lean against his chest, his legs on either side of Dirk’s hips, his arms crossed over Dirk’s chest and Dirk loves him for that. Not that he’s in the mood to say it. He hurts too much at the moment and the feel of come dripping down his thighs is beyond disgusting, makes him hate Jake just a little bit too.

“Understatement of the century,” Dirk mumbles. “I’m not sure I can walk right now.” And Dirk hopes Jake knows how much it means for him to admit that. Striders don’t complain and Striders never show weakness. Jake’s arms tighten around his middle for a minute and Dirk allows his eyes to slide closed for a second, savoring the moment. The closeness they’ve derived from the disastrous experiment.

“Well it’s a jolly good thing we don’t have to walk anywhere, then, eh?” Jake says, smirking, lips brushing Dirk’s temple.

It’s all Dirk can do to not turn around and choke the life out of him. Instead he opts for a light elbow to the gut. “You could show a little sympathy here, you know,” Dirk says. “I feel like my guts are going to fall out of my ass.”

“That’s an absolutely disgusting image.”

Dirk rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well it’s pretty accurate,” he mutters.

“Guess we prepare better next time then, huh?” Jake asks. Next time. The fucker is already thinking about a next time.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a fanfiction PSA. Please remember that condoms, lube, and preparation are not optional when delving into the territory of lovins. Be that gay, straight, or in-between. Kisses, kids!


End file.
